51stcenturyfox | *Comment Porn Battle Post* AMTDI/SUV Sex/Solo Sex

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Comment Porn Battle Post AMTDI/SUV Sex/Solo Sex

http://pics.livejournal.com/51stcenturyfox/pic/00054tqy

Hey, it's party time! Everybody's welcome to kick in some porn!

Yes, three themes this weekend: Aliens Made Them Do it, Sex in the Torchwood SUV and Solo Sexing!

You can combine or choose one.

1. This should relate to TW or Doctor Who in some way. Crossovers are fine! The SUV counts as a character.
2. It should fit in the comment box. (That's about 500 words, max.) Please put the fandom and pairing in the subject line.
Example: Torchwood Jack/Tosh
3. If you wish to write something longer, just add a summary or snippet and link to your LJ, or reply to your first comment with extra porn.
4. WIP snippets are fine, but the story shouldn't be published earlier - the Battles are for new sexy things. :)
5. Anon commenting is turned on with screening, in case you prefer to be anonymous.
6. Any ship-war sniping/negativity will be deleted.

Give posters a chance to edit, etc. before replying to a porn post, please. You know how that ruddy preview thing works (badly).

Any issues/queries- just message Andreth or Foxy. Chat/Discussion thread here. Soundtrack by

andreth47 (click pop-out player to keep the stream up in a new window).

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I swear this is my last one. I had to do all three prompts. This is less...porny.

***

Jack watched Ianto crawl up to Myfanwy's nest with the hesitancy of one who was sure they were about to be killed. He would have volunteered to do it himself, but Ianto was new, and according to Suzie and Owen, still being hazed as part of his initiation to Torchwood Three. Jack had hired Ianto in haste, without consulting any of them, and he wasn't about to be hazed by those two, for God's sake. He was the boss.

Besides, Emily and Alice had 'hazed' him plenty a hundred years ago, and not in the 'funny ha ha silly string' way.

Ianto was taking it well, too, the hazing, what with the plant with the sex pollen, and the hidden cache of rotting fish in the old percolator, and the one time Owen had left the parking break off the car too early while Ianto was still trying to get the jack out from under the SUV. Oh, and that thing with the 'Official Torchwood Teaboy' banner that they had hung in the Tourist Centre until Ianto had removed it and crisply and unruffledly pointed out that it was a gross breach of security. Jack had had to give them the lecture about SECRET FUCKING ORGANISATION, and then Owen had said something cheeky about the logo on the SUV and Jack had kicked them all out of the conference room except for Ianto (and Tosh, because Tosh was always okay), and the three of them had eaten lunch companionably while Suzie and Owen fumed down on the sofa, cartons of take away balanced on their knees.

Besides, it was a pterodactyl. Whatever.

The knocking noises had started after Myfanwy's feeding time yesterday, and they had been going on off and on, followed or coupled with screeching and guttural growls and howls all evening. They'd stopped when everyone went home for the night, but they had just started again after lunch today, and they were driving Suzie and Tosh batshit. Jack crossed his arms and watched Ianto's figure disappear into the cave-like hole that they'd decided would be the best place for her once they'd acclimated her to the Hub.

His wing tips were the last thing to go, and Jack glanced over to Owen as he sidled up next to him; they stared up at the cave, listening as the squeals and banging stopped, followed by what Jack could tell was Ianto's 'please-don't-kill-me-have-some-chocolate' song and dance, and then an even louder set of shrieks, some of which were suspiciously familiar. One of Ianto's arms shot out of the hole and waved a bit before pulling itself back in, and then Ianto's left leg came into view, groping for the ladder frantically, followed buy his right, and then, quickly, the rest of him. Ianto took the ladder two runs at a time and then slid down the sides for the last three.

"What the hell was that?" Jack asked. The screaming had subsided a little, and the knocking had resumed. It was something wooden, or something wood on metal, maybe. It was still very irritating. They had to do something about that, because it would soon drive him crazy too. After all, he lived here.

Ianto inched back to the grating over the pool, his left leg moving stiffly, as if it had been pulled. He looked relatively unharmed, if one didn't take into consideration his colouring.

Ianto was red. And as he stammered a little bit in response to Jack's question, jaw working in a fish-like rather clueless stunned gaping expression, it was hard to believe that he could get redder; but there it was, spreading up over the already pink cheeks, and his eyes blinked in rapid fire, as if he was trying to process disturbing information quickly so as to get past it as rapidly as possible. Jack knew that feeling, though he usually experienced it when flipping through telly channels.

"She—" Ianto glanced back at the cave, his hands spread in a universal shrug. "Well, she…she's fine," he finished. Then he went about tidying Tosh's workspace, despite that it was pretty much spotless. Whatever he'd seen had unnerved him.

"She was what?" Owen asked, leaning on the railing. "Was she wanking or something?"

Jack watched Ianto freeze and knew that they'd hit the jackpot. "The dinosaur is masturbating up there?" he asked, feeling the grin on his face.

Owen scoffed. "Naw. Birds don't masturbate."

"Yes they do," Suzie said as she breezed by with her welding gear, not stopping to chat. Jack admired her work ethic, but really, a wanking dinosaur? This deserved a moment's consideration. Well, maybe a second's.

Owen raised his brows and Ianto continued to clear things from Tosh's desk that Tosh was probably going to miss when she got back from the toilet. Like her mouse.

"Colour me surprised," Owen admitted, his face scrunching in distaste.

Jack left his perch on the catwalk and eased his way over to the ladder that led to Myfanwy's nest.

"Oi!" Owen called. "Keep your hands to yourself, Harkness! She's a lady!"

He smiled. "One, I'm just curious. Two, there are some things even I won't do. Three, no one with table manners like hers is a lady."

Something smacked him in the back of the head and he barely had time to turn around and fumble it from the air before he almost dropped it in the tower pool. It was a bar of Cadbury Milk. He waved it at Ianto suspiciously.

"Is this from my office?"

Ianto shrugged. "We've run out, sir. I think you'll find that your chances of getting out of there alive are better if you have it. Sacrifice," he added, "for the good of the Empire?"

Jack sighed and pocketed the bar. No one cared about his serotonin levels…

He climbed up the last few rungs softly, listening to the squeals and thumping that seemed so much more filthy now that he knew what was going on up there. His head finally gave him a view of what was going on in the giant dinosaur cave.

"Wow."

Oh dear god. I love this! So many funny lines, and again with the great characterization. Jack's assessment of Myfanwy's status as a 'lady' is priceless.

Jack had had to give them the lecture about SECRET FUCKING ORGANISATION, and then Owen had said something cheeky about the logo on the SUV...

Heh. TW: Secrecy FAIL.

SO COMPLETE FAIL IN SECRECY.

Jack is so fun to write. I had to stop there because I just couldn't write about the masturbating dinosaur. But I thought about it...

Poor Myfanwy! Even more one-of-a-kind and singular than Jack, and we forget that. She's got no hope of a partner at all. :(

Wow.

Sure she does...the pteranodon from 'Primeval'. He even lives fairly close. I've considered writing a crossover fic with those two hooking up. Srsly!

Next porn comment battle should be called: OPERATION: GET MYFANWY LAID.

Or Janet. I'd settle for Janet.

I approve of this idea.

Janet, too. Get the TW pets laid! S/we include the socks' beagle MaxTheresa?

As long as we throw Hart in there. He has to be somebody's pet.

~~As long as Ianto doesn't turn into a kitten.~~

God, Hart kills me! He comes up with stuff out of left field and I just choke myself laughing. Those guys have redeemed this fandom for me the past few months, bless 'em.

I'm still not completely over his discussions about Spike from Buffy, and also his recent work of fanfiction. I think my brain breaks when I see that he's posted.

~~Oh, come on, you know you love kitten tongue blow jobs--YOWCH!~~

NO KITTENS IN THE PORN POST.

*dies laughing*

:P :D

Too late! They are there, IN YOUR THINKY THOUGHTS. Just imagine them, frolicking. One of them is scampering up into John's arms as he shakes the contents of a can of Pounce out on his--

Okay. My job here is done.

Re: She "Flies"-Alone, 2/2

andreth47.livejournal.com - 2009-05-17 02:55 (UTC) - Expand

Re: She "Flies"-Alone, 2/2

51stcenturyfox.livejournal.com - 2009-05-18 11:55 (UTC) - Expand

Did I ever show you my Owen/Janet?

No! Who tops? :D

That's debatable! See link below.

No! I think this deserves to be shown!

He Never Went Back
http://community.livejournal.com/torch_wood/707631.html

LOL. Poor Myfanwy. Too bad there are no buddies around.

This is perfect. Love Suzie's nonchalance. Love Jack's reluctant leadership style. Love Ianto's embarrassment. And love Owen's reactions. This is full of hilarious lines.

Look man, I don't know about you, but if I stumbled on a wanking dinosaur, I wouldn't have been NEARLY as composed as Ianto. Hee. I think I'm in love with this scenario a lot. HAAAHAAHA.

Thanks for reading! I am v. glad you liked it!

LULZ! This has got to be the best plot idea ever in the history of comment!porn battles. Srsly, this was epic.

Well, I'd already ticked everyone sexually in the other 2 stories, so I was like, "do I really want to write about Ianto wanking? Hasn't that been done? What about PC Andy? No...who hasn't gotten laid? OIKNO."

And here we are! Skwak!

I'm glad you liked it!

Too funny! Ianto's flailing about was hysterical.

Hee! Thanks! Poor Ianto. He gets the shit jobs, sometimes literally.

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