Yeah. And sang listed all the reasons why that particular line stood out, mostly to me it stands out that it fails at consistent tense there, but the part she noticed was

a) interaction of inanimate objects (rain on windbreaker hoods)
b) turns of phrase (on windbreaker hoods beats out a headache now)
c) use of the definite article when it could/should be a personal pronoun (drenched the neckline of the shirt)

The latter is a bit of a weakness since it creates distance to the character when I don't necessarily want to induce distance, and it's something I'm generally more conscious of these days when writing because sang pointed it out often enough in beta but it obviously still slips in. LOL

But hey, thanks, Gwen is certainly not someone who naturally comes to mind for me to write, so am glad it worked for you.